Magenta

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel of the melon collie. However, I can almost make out the Danger Ahead sign, I know it's coming without having to look. After the sadness comes the anger, right? I am almost done with being sad that Nick has made my choice for me and decided that he's not worth it. I wanted that choice, but I'm fully aware what I want and what I get are often two different things.

I wanted to title this blog post, "Fuck You" but I thought it was a little bit too harsh. I am angry now. I've finally realized what Jana's been so angry about and now I'm angry with her. I'm angry that Nick has left me in the abyss. His cowardliness has left me in the abyss. This has resulted in me wanting to push him over the edge. I want to just say something to get him to tell me to go away or to wait out the storm. I'm willing to do either one of those. Right now, I just want black and white, no shades of gray. Is he putting me through a test? Is he seeing if I have the endurance, dedication or is he pleading for help? I want to believe it's more complex than that. I am wondering if I've read this book all wrong and it's really so simple that I can't get it.

I teach a diverse population and should know better. Not all people are complex, some people are bananas, with only two layers, some people are like tomatoes, a thin skin with a little something inside, and some people are like onions, a tough skin on the outside with a hundred different layers on the inside. I am pretty sure I can make everyone either a veggie or a fruit.

I was thinking about batteries and about everyone having one. I was trying to think about my own battery and have come to a conclusion. My own battery runs on several things, both intangible and tangible objects. Pride tends to keep my battery running quite often, hope is also another factor, while insanity is my indicator for a low battery. I believe there must be a short in my charger because my battery has been dead for quite some time. It took an unforeseeable event, chance if you will, to get some juice to my battery. The awakening has been pretty painful and uncomfortable. I feel like I'm trying to fight the stupid message that Sprint gives me when my battery has just enough life in it to tell me that it needs to be recharged so my phone automatically shuts off. I'm not an idiot, I know my phone needs to be recharged, I just want to push the limits and get a few seconds out of it to see if I have any missed messages. Too bad I can't do that in real life.

Things I want to be able to do in real life: Edit my life. That's the great thing about writing, you can prewrite, write, read it, reread it, and then edit if if necessary. I'd like to shut down for awhile and have an answering service that would take messages if it were an emergency. I'd also like to be able to put a certain signs that say "Open" or "Closed, Please come again" or "Work in Progress" or "Do not Disturb". These signs would make life easier for me and other people. I've been recently accused of basically being a cold hearted bitch in that I shut off my emotions like someone would shut off a faucet. Lately though my faucet's been leaking and I suspect that the pipes are just waiting to burst. I supose right about now I'd like for my sign to say "Closed for Repair".

I'm not use to having an identity crisis. I've taken pride in being a non-emotional person. I've worked hard at it, it's an art. I've been taken out of my comfort zone and left with this. It hasn't been a pretty picture. In fact I have wanted to start laughing at myself. I think if I were in the audience right about now, I'd be eating my junior mints, and choking on my Diet Coke because I'd be laughing so hard.