A Slap in the Face

I think I may have gotten the slap in the face that I've been needing for at least a month now. I extended the hand of friendship (probably something I haven't done since I was in grade school) and had it given back in the form of "cool. that was nice to hear." Then he went on to say he was super busy.

So I think this is the response I needed to put my ship back into fast forward and move on. Get the fuck out of dodge. I can do it, I've got stacks of homework, a couple of assignments that were due yesterday, and more coming up. I could stay super busy myself, I need to be super busy I was just hoping the world would pass me by. It did. Time moved on with out me, even though I could have sworn I'm the center of the Universe; Copernicus was wrong. Well going to the second round of birthday festivities this afternoon. Sending Serena off to the parents house to finish the cake with Grandpa. Serena will go to be tonight and I'll get some mad homework done. There will be a return to Normalcy, there must be, something's gotta give.

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Okay so I put Serena to bed. I must be PMSing between wanting to give my child away today to anyone who would have her, to crying at school on Friday because my AP hurt my feelings, to snapping at my general ed teacher on Wed, telling him I wasn't in the mood for his racial jokes. I was doing the dishes tonight, the last weeks events and thoughts running through my head and I realized that I am pretty much everything I hate. No wonder I'll never love myself. The worst realization in all that is I've been having to tell people at school, "I'm not a bleeding heart liberal but blah blah blah." I look back at the incident on Friday (the one that made me want to cry) and the only conclusion is that it was a bad judgement call because my bleeding heart liberalness was clouding my judgement. I am a bleeding heart liberal. What have I become? I'm a bleeding heart liberal, emotional train wreck, advocator to a population which will crowd the prisons in a few years. How have I become what I hate. Is this really me? I don't even know who me is anymore. I can't recognize her in the mirror and I sure as hell can't recognize her in actions. This new person who has taken over doesn't think or do anything that would fall under the normal Sara. I'm having an identity crisis along with a career crisis and all at the wrong time. Could this not happen in a year when I'll be done with school and have the time to deal with it? I can't actually imagine yet what life will be like when I can just kick my shoes off when I come home and do the mommy thing instead of the mommy, daddy, and student thing. Knowing me I will like and get lazy. Please, someone move my cheese. For now I must dive into the sea of homework. My beloved homework.