New Year New Fuckups

Yay, 2011 is here, an optimistic point of view to take on a new year would be I now have a whole new 365 days to fuck up which ever way I want. And hot damn, I started out strong. Well, everything happens for a reason so I am currently living in anticipation as to what the reasons are. Cheers to another year of mayhem.

It's that Time

It's that time again where I find myself saying, I can't believe how my life has changed in one year. It's crazy really. I don't know if I'm in reverse or moving forward but I do know that I'm not stagnant (can't even spell the word). I turned the big 3 0 last month and I've got 3 degrees, 2 marriages & 1 child under my belt. Plus, according to my general ed teacher, hairy legs which need to be shaven; I've heard it off and on for the past decade. Well it's go time here at the Castle.

Nearing Nearly 3 Decades of Irrationality

So ocasionally I look at this blog when I login to blog with my 3 other girlfriends on our private blog and I read the past few entries and it's just too much drama and anger, I just ignore it and move on. However, I have finally made this blog public again. I decided to say "f-it" and let the past be that, the past. The last few blog posts got a bit dramatic and I sensed a bit of hostility in my undertone. The hostilty is something I've been trying to kick for the past thirty years; I've grown to like the sarcasim.

My gen ed teacher told me today he could tell I was done PMSing, I smiled and laughed and then we laughed together. A lot has changed in my life since the fourteen months since I have actually blogged. I won't bore any one here with details of my "based on a True Story" could be Lifetime Mini-Series, let's just say, I've always suspected everything happens for a reason. I do believe though, I may be the only person nurotic enough to schedule their own depression; which is right about now until mid-November. I've got a lot to be thankful about even though my two best friends, D & L still like to visit me when I'm feeling the most vulrenable. Well more later at some point I suspect.

Rule 1: Life Isn't Fair

Rule 2: Life doesn't always work out the way you want it too.

Rule 3: Change is inevitable.

Yup. All of the above is true. Life isn't fair, it doesn't ever work out the way you planned, probably b/c your plans changed without you knowing it. Can we throw in some rule about Men sucking, about them being a lying sack of empty promises or about being selfish pricks? Are men so fucking selfish b/c never, never will they ever give birth and not know what its like to be completely selfless. What the fuck is their problem? Okay you Men, what do you have to say for yourself?

June bloom

I hear that's the lingo in So Cal (is Long Beach considered southern California?). Anyhow, I managed somehow to get past the windy season and make it to summer. I didn't kill anyone and I think I still have a job. I have a busy lineup for, oh let's say the next 6 months. I'm getting married next month, starting a new school year the following month and then going against an orals board in Sept/Oct (need to start studying for that sometime in the near future). Then it back to finishing up another semester, and soon it will be Christmas. Wow, how time flies when you're having fun....

Fuck you too

Woah, such language but I've been feeling more and more like saying that to a majority of people. Sometimes it's people I know and sometimes it's people I don't know. I think it's a mixture of lack of patience, the wind, my own level of tolerance for stupid people and my general bitchy nature. Thank God March is nearly half over. Of course, like always, there's a bunch of shit I have to get done, all before May, so it's really a bad thing that March is half over. This means I'm running out of time for all the work stuff and school stuff, never mind the house crap (like watering a lawn, cleaning, laundry, etc.). Okay, so it's late, I've got an early AM meeting, a full day's worth of work to put in, and babysitting to contend with tomorrow night. All in a superhero's day.

Windy Season

So its offically the Windy Season in Las Cruces. But no worries, I have a 22. I am going out Monday given the weather is decent. Its been nearly 2 months since I have blogged on here. I have been busy with school, work, parenting, and a man friend. I hate to call him my boyfriend because it makes me sound like I am 15 again. But we have been going out now for four months now. It seems a little longer than that in a good way. I took his Sahara out for a ride today with Serena. She laughed at me when I stalled the Jeep, but was quite patient when it took me five minutes to throw it into reverse, damn sixth gear. We had a blast driving it and being that high above the crowd. I also got my first tan of the year. Now I am not white anymore. Well sorry for the sloppy typos. I am blogging from my phone in bed. Its a sad life when I am too lazy to turn on my laptop and hsve to surf the net from my phone. What has the world come to?

Hello 2009

It happened, I knew it would, if I just waited long enough. A new year, for most people this means something. A new year, a fresh start, a new person. Not me, I don't change, if I want a fresh start, I just go to bed and begin a new day. A new year means nothing to me, probably because I live on a day to day basis rather than a year by year basis. I freaked out the other day because I forgot how old I was, since I was born in a year ending with a zero, it's easy for me to figure out how old I am. So I thought about what year it was and realized I was that old too, but then also remembered, I will be that old, but not quite there. Then I freaked out because my friends are turning that old and one of my girl friends is turning 30 this year. Which for her really is fine, she's married and has a child. Age is welcomed to those with their lives together.

Even though I freaked out about being almost 30, I tell people all the time I'm 30. It's easier and I am not really sure there is a difference between 28 and 30. Though I don't have my life together, I have done it all, graduated several times, married, child bearing. I think the only experiences I have left is for my parents to pass away and myself. Those would be the last milestones, so to speak. Therefore, I too, welcome age. I am proud of being this old, which I think is old when it comes to remembering experiences (like high school seems so recent) but then old when I think about how I knew people who were my age and I use to think that was so old. Whatever, I don't think that being old is a bad thing. Besides, I was born 35.

Goodbye 2008

Hello 2009. As always, I find myself welcoming another year, hoping it will be better than the last. Though I'd have to say, that 2008 was better than 2007 and 2007 better than 2006, it still ranked pretty low on the scale of best years ever. The past month has been pretty good, good is all relative though. I find myself ending another year with a different person than the last year. I am wondering if this is going to be a pattern, I sure as hell hope not. In some ways, I find it hard to fathom that it's already been three years since I had what I'd call a traditional Christmas. I suppose I hate the holiday more now, because it reminds me that "we" are a broken family, rather than the every day hustle and bustle.

For once though, I am looking forward to 2009. I'll wrap up my graduate school (Yeah!) and begin living again, I hope. I also hope to get Serena more involved this year, soccer and a summer program so that she's around more kids. I think this year will also bring a lessened sense of hostility towards Shane (my ex-husband) as I am confident that I have found a person who believes that I am worth it. I know I've got a long ways towards letting go and letting bygones be bygones but I hope I am getting closer towards that path. It seems as though I am pretty hopeful these days. Well off to bed. Goodbye wake me up when 2009 begins.

My boyfriend's back

Got that song suck in my head. I don't know, the term "boyfriend" seems so juvenile; it's not a term I favor. Partner, significant other? Partner makes me sound like a lesbian (nothing wrong with that), especially when I use the term "girlfriend" to describe my friends who are female. So maybe I'll refer to my boyfriend as my significant other because he is that, maybe more. There isn't really a term that fits the description. I'll just call him Scott.

I am going under the knife on Wednesday morning. The result should involve 2 pins and a screw; a bunch of pain, pain killers, and maybe crutches. Won't know until after the surgery. It's part 2 for the foot surgery, part 3 will come in a year and a half when I'm off for the summer again and done with school. That means I will have a semester of whatever freedom is defined as. I've got one more day of teaching school left until 2009. After Monday I'm taking almost 2 weeks of sick leave. I am currently working on the final manuscript of a research paper I need to turn in on Tuesday. Then I can declare Grad school work done until 2009.

I got an espresso maker last week. It's awesome. I know own four machines that take coffee but all serve different purposes. I have the weekend one (it makes 4 cups of coffee), I have the work one which just makes coffee (I still have to take it to work), the one I take to work (it brews and grinds) and now the espresso for the morning and at night. The only bad thing about the espresso machine is it doesn't turn off so that was me tonight, letting it overflow. My bad.

Anyhow, you probably won't hear from me for another month. How time will fly. In the next month I hope to see Nights in Rodanthe because I recently have read the book by Nicholas Sparks. For my downtime, I've saved up a few Nicholas Sparks and John Steinbeck books. A perfect note to end the year on.

Dating School

So my guy friend told me last night that I should go to Dating School, so that I could learn the things to do and not to do, along with the things to say and not to say. Needless to say, the past week, I've been on several dates with different men and though I managed somehow not to scare them both off, one scared me off and the other has me hooked. Tomorrow is my birthday (yeah me). I will be in court again near my birthday (court dates seem to be my birthday gifts). I actually pulled a total non-Sara thing and invited colleagues of mine to go out tomorrow for happy hour and told them they had to come because it was my birthday. Of course I want to wear a short skirt but it's going to be cold so I think I'll pick warmness over vanity. I had a Manifest Determination today involving student, parent, staff, and administration. I used my teacher voice and told the student I was going to stand my ground, told him not to interrupt me while I was speaking and then later regretting my Negative Nelly and told him that I believed in him which is why I am always in his face. Come on, he shares the same last name of a famous Mexican Revolutionist, how can I not fight for him?

Numbers

Well Halloween has come and gone. I went on a date (dinner and drinks) on Friday, and eventually went to Hurricane Alley where I proceeded to get a couple of numbers, good and bad. Good because I like one of the guys (though now I'm having second thoughts) and bad because the other one is the brother of the teacher a few doors down from me (did you follow all of that?) and he's not my type. What was I thinking? Maybe we could hang out as friends but when you use the word sexy it takes away the chance for friendship, right? Whatever, more drama problems which all in all are pretty silly. Dammit though, drinking the night away and dealing with the consequences of the new problems created because of the previous' nights actions, is so 10 years ago. Bleh.

It's that Time again

Soon Halloween will come and pass and before I know it, Christmas will be in a few days. It happens every year. I say, "I thought it was just February." Well for starters, I'm glad it's not February. I'd hate to have to relive that month. I've got a shit load of things to be doing and very little motivation. I did get the title on my paper done tonight (plus the reference) so half the battle is done. I have like a ton of missing assignments to do for my Saturday class. Plus I've got more coming. I have a sink full of dirty dishes and a dishwasher full of clean dishes. I'm tired (big surprise there) and all I'd really like to do is sleep until the next decade comes. Maybe it will be better. I highly doubt it.

I did have a lot of fun this weekend. Not real productive but fun. I had such a good time on Friday, I don't even remember it all. Just call me Mrs. Robinson. I think I would almost rather be annoyed than lonely. I also think it's probably greener on the other side and I just haven't been annoyed in 6 months so I've forgotten what it's like. Well the dishes haven't yet unloaded themselves, Cinderellie has to get back to work. Until next time.

Redemption

I think it's a bad sign that I can't even spell redemption right. I hope to get some at some point in time so that I don't rot in hell forever. However, I think the things I've done and the thoughts I've had are worth it. Speaking of that. I hate my ex-husband, he's an asshole.

Another week has passed by, thank God. I'm still behind on my school work but hope this week will be the week I get motivated. I've been having trouble wanting to get out of bed lately. I hear that's what happens when you're depressed. The low point must come and then I can only go up from there. I think I'll pick it up tomorrow; I missed a certified letter in the mail today from my ex-husband's lawyer. Okay, well it's getting late and I wouldn't want to put anymore down here than I already have, this late at night. I can't be held accountable for anything I say or type after 8pm.

Seven

The word I want to say is a harsh word, slightly inappropriate and starts with the seventh letter of the alphabet. I am sorta at the point where if I had the liberty, I would go around and just say to people, Fuck off. I know that this would lead to problems at the work place and in my personal life but sometimes the movie playing in my head is of the scenario: people telling me stuff and me replying, "fuck off" or "shut the fuck up" and then walking away. Like when Shane talked to me today, I wanted to say, "shut the fuck up" and walk away. When my colleague told me something completely stupid, I wanted to say, "shut the fuck up, you're an idiot." but decided that wasn't appropriate to be saying at work. When he approached me later, I wanted to say, "fuck off, asshole" but only waved. When I caught a kid surfing MySpace today and denied it, I wanted to say "Shut the fuck up, I saw you" instead I said that I saw his MySpace page up and asked if he was calling me a liar. Thankfully I am technologically savvy enough to navigate FireFox to figure out how to prove what he was surfing and when (he closed the tab). After that, I told him I wasn't an idiot and I didn't appreaciate him lying to me.

I am wondering now, how many people must think I am an idiot. I get lied too more often than not. I wonder if people think I got off the boat yesterday or something. Do I really look that stupid? Or is it really, are they that stupid to think I would believe their lies. Hmm...

Wanting to Vomit

So I read an article on CNN:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/10/03/o.why.men.cheat/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

It has to do with men cheating on their wives. "In a new study conducted by marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman, it's estimated that one in 2.7 men will cheat -- and most of their wives will never know about it." That's really the only thing I didn't know. I know statistics and I hate them. There is so much human error to be had and statistics are always skewed, so rarely do I believe them. I would hate to believe this one because it would affirm my belief in marriage being a broken institution. The article went on to state other things that I was aware of, such as sex rarely being the number one reason why men cheat (it's "emotional disconnection" ie low self-esteem, etc) which then leads to the fact that more often than not the woman he cheats with isn't a "10" on the Hot Scale. It has to do more with the other woman listens or tells him what he needs to hear. Blah blah blah. Read the article for yourself.

After skimming the article, it made me want to kick Oprah for probably making thousands of more women paranoid. Yes, men are scum bags. Yes men cheat. But don't forget, it takes two to tango. This means women are also scum bags. Women cheat. Neither one are innocent. So let's not label men as cheaters. Let's not hate men because they cheat. Let's hate cheaters in general, whether they be men or women.

I'll be the first to tell you, I hate men, in fact I hate them so much, I love them (it's part of being so far right, I'm left ie the spectrum is really a sphere). I hate women too, but the lesser of two evils has to be men. However, I hate men who cheat even more and there is no love for men who cheat. I hate men who cheat because I've been on the receiving end of it and it sucks. I have no respect for women who cheat nor do I have respect for either party who is involved in infidelity; they are just no-good-rotten people without morals or regards for other people's feelings. So here's to my ex-husband, may you rot in the dirt and have cockroaches eat you; fuck you.

So now that the anger for today has been released, its back to school and "Why Special Educators Leave and Where They Go." Gee, now let me think, that's a hard question to answer.

Blogging from the grave

If one can do that, I may be doing it soon for a variety of different reasons. First and foremost, I've got the worst gas, ever. Today at Wal-Mart, I farted (quietly) and Serena said loudly, "Ew, you farted." Of course this man had just walked by and began laughing when she said this to me. I am sure I had turned red, and I'll give it to her, it smelled pretty bad. I let out another one before we left and I told Serena, "Okay, let's go before you comment, I just farted." I am still smelling 5 hours later and we both may die.

If my own gas doesn't kill me this weekend, I've got several students (2) who may. Both are emotionally disturbed but only one has actually verbalized his prejudice towards woman and woman of color, and me, personally. Behaviors have been escalating in one particular student, recently within the past couple of weeks. We are starting our 9th week of school, information I learned on Friday would have been helpful 9 weeks ago. Better late then never, right? I'm almost at the point where I value my life enough to not want it to end in an abrupt school incident. I am blogging about this so that when it happens this can be used as evidence towards premeditation. I've only been real scared for myself one other time, a couple of years ago when a drunk Native American guy hit on me and wouldn't leave me alone at a bar. He completely creeped me out and touched my shoulder, leaned on me and blabbed to me until I escaped to the bathroom. He tried to get me to dance several times, and get me to go for a walk with him. Well I've done some pretty stupid things, but I'm not stupid. So I gave my dad's plumber whom I saw there also, a full description of the man and where he was from in case the Sun News ran an article on a missing Asian woman. I left, literally running to my car, looking over my shoulder. Needless to say, I haven't been back there since, by myself.

So I've been a bit stressed lately, fearing for my life 1st and 2nd period; struggling to catch up academically, financially, and being depressed. All take up a lot of energy and any I've had left over has been focusing on the new object of my affection. We haven't signed out teaching contracts this year and with the raise in insurance, we're actually making less per paycheck than we did last year. Plus, shithead ex-husband has decided to stop paying tuition and hasn't yet paid the damn lunch lady at Serena's school. You would think making $60K a year, you could afford to pay for your only child's lunch. Fucker. Obviously, like my students, I am emotionally disturbed and have some internalized anger. However, unlike my students, I can legally deal with my anger in an unhealthy way. And that I shall do and turn in for the night.

High School Never Ends

So my tying may be a little sloppy because I am on my laptop typing in the dark. My laptop is as old as my car and both have lasted longer than my marriage. Both were created before I got married too. I have started smiling and laughing to myself this afternoon a couple of times (I think it's a sign of insanity) because I've been having flashbacks to being in high school. One in particular would be KT taking a picture of Josh with her camera down by her side because she was secretly taking his picture, one that exists in immortality, yet Josh doesn't know it exists, 14 years after the fact.

I contracted out my picture taking, this time 14 years later, still in high school but with slightly newer technology, a cell phone camera. It makes me laugh that 14 years later not a lot has changed. This time I'm older, and my friends who support my silliness are older now too. I find it absoultly hilarious. Thankfully he doesn't know, well he does know, but he doesn't know who the picture was for, or at least I don't think he does. It wouldn't be nearly as funny if he knew. If he does, I'll just keep on pretending....

Tailgating

I went to my first Aggie football game today (we lost against UNM), drank five beers, and tailgated for the first time, legally. I went once my sophomore year of college for awhile and drank a beer (I think) and ended up driving Asher and Matt in Asher's car. It was a scary experience as I recall. This however, was an awesome experience. I hung out for 10 hours with a crowd 25 years older than I, made up of former Aggie football players from '77/78.

At the Aggie football game they honored the 1978 Football team (they won the championships that year) which included my AP and a bunch of other men that I met tonight. One in particular, of course, caught my eye. Even after 5 beers, I had to ask myself which category he fell under, asshole or gay, for me to be attracted to him. He was definitely very good looking, I'd peg him for late 40s.

Of course, I pretended I was 18 again, and wore my Aggie shirt and a black skirt that barely covered by ass. It was the weekend and I probably won't ever see any of these men again, plus I had fun. What's more fun than being surrounded by old white men? Half of them had wives, the other half didn't. It was an interesting crowd and something different.

The second most exciting thing that happened today: I bought a hair dryer from Sallys that was $4.99 though it was marked on clearance for $29.99 (which I was willing to pay). I plan on bleaching streaks in my hair tomorrow. For now, I guess it's bed and maybe a shower, if not it's the floor, again.

Fighting the Urge

So surprisingly I had a good day at school, I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. I was in a manifest and fought the urge to cry several times. It was silly really, it's the bleeding heart liberalness in me that was making me want to cry. I felt we were doing this kid (he's going to turn 15 next month) an injustice. Far be it for me to put my two cents in so I shut the hell up and the meeting went fine. I took charge of my second hour and managed that without a brain aneurysm (sp?) and chilled. I relaxed a bit and wasn't so Nazi like. I got to chat with my AP for a few minutes this afternoon after lunch (Chris, what you read on my blog stays on my blog).

Serena blabbed to my parents on Sunday that I had a crush on Nick. They asked me who Nick was, I replied back, "Nick who?" And then my parents laughed and said, "the smile on your face is all we needed to know." Do you know how many years they spent laughing at me and my uncontrollable smile every time they mentioned the name Josh? It still kills me to see his mom every now and then. Well tonight I'm forgoing the homework. I have to write 10 pages on me, an oral history on my family and research my cultural identity. I can't really even bring myself to do either right now. Instead I'd rather write 10 pages on how insensitive the components of the paper are. My parents family's history have little to do with me, they were all dead except for one whom I barely even remember. They haven't shaped me and who I am as a person. I think it's shit. I could probably tell him in 10 pages how I think the assignment is shit and how some people cannot identify themselves with "a culture" nor have oral histories about their family. Whatever, I don't really know anything, after all, I am the person that somehow applied to be an undergraduate this summer....even though I had graduate status.